The 12 Days of Ventless
Are you sick and tired of red-suited jolly old elves getting stuck in your ductwork?
Do the ghosts of holidays past continue to haunt you with flue cleaning costs from yule log soot and menorah candle creosote? 🕎
Do the mushroom fans on your roof prevent you from installing blow-up holiday décor? 🎁
Well, then sit back in your one-horse-open sleigh 🛷and twice-check my list of presents this year. ✔️
On the twelfth day of Ventless, my dealer brought to me:
- Twelve hobs from CookTek
- Eleven Lang inductions
- Ten Frialators
- Nine ductless Wells hoods
- Eight Blodgett Combi’s
- Seven Southbend steamers
- Six EVO Griddles
- Five Gold Star ovens
- Four TurboChefs
- Three Hoodinis
- Two Perfect Fry’s
- And a Pitco under a Wells hood!
Why risk being on the Fire Department’s naughty list when instead you can easily install a plug & play electric ductless cooking appliance? Remember, ceilings are meant for hanging mistletoe, not ugly ventilation ducts, and rooves are meant for the prancing and pawing of each little hoof. 🦌
Let safety be on your wish list for the holidays and every day. Ventless electric equipment has no open flames flickering through frosted windowpanes. Let’s face it, chestnuts on an open fire are much better suited to city sidewalks dressed in holiday style. 🔥
Ventless appliances are perfect for all of your holiday baking, roasting, steaming and frying, whether the menu calls for roast goose and cookies, or brisket and jelly donuts. The reduced maintenance needed will afford you plenty of extra time to deck the halls with holly, break out the dreidels and polish the nutcrackers. 🎄
There’s no need to share any more of your gelt than you need to, as the total cost of ownership will be equal to or lower than that of traditional vented equipment. Scrooges will be pleased with the new life breathed into their facilities. 💰
So, while everyone else has settled down for a long winter’s nap (with visions of sugar plums dancing in their heads), give yourself the gift of portability, tax advantage and safety: a new ventless kitchen installation. 🛌
Old Father Time will not be waiting on you for auld lang syne, and you definitely won’t need to send a team of (those game-playing) reindeer to the north pole to get your equipment either, as it is readily available and all made right here in the ol’ US of A. 👴
You have but one choice to make for your holiday wish: do you want it wrapped in a blue and silver bow, or a red and green one? 🤶🏼
|1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.|
2. To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 8:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It’s the start of a brand new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.
10. If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
19. Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.